Have you seen my camel?

Oh, the joys of riding the bus. You never know what situation you’ll find yourself in, or the people you’ll meet. There are people that are nice and offer you their seat when the bus is full, people who couldn’t care less while an old person goes flying in the air as the bus pulls out, and just plain freaks. There are ones that make you want to switch seats, and the ones that make you think to yourself, “You know, I could do with some exercise; I think I’ll just walk the rest of the way.” These are the 3 things that have happened to me that just make you say, “Wow.”

My first subject I will just call him Bob, Bob the Bomber. I’m sitting on the bus listening to music to drown out all the screaming kids and special Ed, while watching the nearest 6-year-old boy lick the windows. I’m at the mall waiting for everyone to finish getting on and off while I take my last breath of fresh air before the bus gets packed and someone sticks their butt in my face. A guy in his early twenties taps me on the shoulder. He could have said, “Do you know where this bus is going?” or “What time is it?” He could have even said the awkward cliché ice breaker, “Nice weather we’re having.” No, instead completely out of the blue, he says to me, “Did you know that with one single stick of dynamite put in the right place, like that old run down corner over there, you could blow up the entire mall with that single stick of dynamite?” Why yes, it is nice weather we’re having today. I stare at him blankly while feigning interest and say, “Wow, I didn’t know that.” I quickly put my headphones back in before he explains how he’s going to put his plans to actions. Throughout the ride, he proceeds to tap me on the shoulder about six more times to ask what is my name, where I am going, and how old am I. I really couldn’t tell if he was all there or not, I was on the bus after all. I finally got off the bus and decided to walk the rest of the way because he clearly didn’t understand that, when someone puts their headphones in, it means, “Don’t talk to me.” Before I got off, he asked me for my phone number. That’s when I regretted taking the Rejection Hotline number out of my phone. I didn’t really know how to say no, and at the time, I was too tired and slow to think up a fake one off the top of my head, so I just gave it to him. I figured I’d never see him again, and that if he tried to contact me, I’d just ignore it. He did text me a few times, but I didn’t respond.
A week later, I’m on the bus again and see him boarding. I quickly put up my hood and pretended to be fascinated at what was under my fingernails. He sees me and asks why I never responded, so I told him I never got them. He reads out my number and asks if it’s correct. A friend of mine at the time had gone on her sisters’ cell phone plan, who lives in Simi Valley, but had a different area code. So, thinking I’m being smart and sneaky, I tell him I’m on my sister’s cell phone plan and that my area code was different. Not realizing that her sister used to live somewhere else, I gave him the number my friend had. From the back of the bus, I hear some guy shout, for everyone to hear, “Simi’s an 805 number.” Really? Oh, come on, not cool. Well, Bob got the message and stopped talking to me, but while I was getting off, I managed to find the guy who yelled that, and punched him as hard as I could in the arm. I only hope that I left a large enough bruise.

The next passenger, a small girl about seven or eight, who was riding with her mom, got on the bus while I was spacing out, looking at the window and trying to imagine how many people have licked it. At some point, about 10 or 15 minutes later, I hear this God awful screech from the seats next to me and noticed that it was the little girl. The scream sounded as if the devil himself had possessed this girl, and that she was losing. I soon discovered she had vomited green stuff all over her which looked suspiciously like split pea soup. All the hairs on my arms stood up straight; it was like I was thrown into a scene from the movie The Exorcist. Oh darn, and here I left my holy water and crucifix in my other backpack. I knew I was forgetting something. I decided, along with several other passengers, it was time to get off. I think if I had stayed there any longer, I might’ve seen her head spin around. They could make a new exorcist movie from that it would be called, The Exorcist V: The Ghetto Saga. Therefore, I have named this subject Linda Blair.

This last story is one of my favorites. First of all, let me tell you something about the bus stop. Once you hit 10 feet from that sign, you’re in their territory now. You never know what’s going to go down. What happens at the bus stop stays at the bus stop. About a month ago, I was sitting at the bus stop in front of VC when I see this homeless man running for all he’s worth straight for me. Oh, God, he’s coming straight at me. Is he trying to chase the bus maybe? Is he in danger? Am I in danger? Did little Timmy fall down the well? He stops in front of me wheezing and gasping for air. I was expecting him to ask, “What time does the bus come?” “Do you have any change?” Instead he looks me in the eyes and with this pleading, desperate voice he asks, “Have you seen my camel? Did it go by here?” I was barely able to contain myself, and just to be mean, I pointed down the street and said, “Yeah, it went that way.” He quickly thanks me and runs in the direction I pointed. I don’t know how long he ran, or what was wrong with him. Was he tripping out on drugs? Was he just crazy? I’ll never know, but if you’re still out there homeless man, I hope that one day, you find your camel and live happily ever after.

The next time you’re stuck on the bus counting all the tongue streaks on the windows, realize it’s not all bad. Sure you’re stuck there for an hour stopping and going every 2 minutes in what should have been a 15 minute car ride, There’s enough people crammed in together to make you want to go crowd surfing, but if you look around, you can see some pretty strange and funny things. All those people that make you feel uncomfortable, go ahead, and have some fun with the crazies. Have them chase those invisible animals that dart out into traffic, and go along with their story of having been abducted by aliens. Maybe after a few exorcisms, it’s an okay place to be. So bring your bus pass, some Windex, a bottle of holy water, and some hand sanitizer and you too can meet the Bob of your dreams.